Having worked in the city centre for the vast majority of my working life I have developed a few phobias. Actually Phobias is the wrong word, annoyances or hatreds would be closer, or things that boil my blood so much that they make me wanna bash the nearest person with my Ipod (its old and heavy)
Recently though its buskers who have been getting my ire up. Around this time of year when the weather gets slightly milder they appear in greater numbers, creating more extreme noise terror. AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Most buskers are amiable chaps with 5 songs to their name a cooky guitar strap and a cheeky grin, and that is why I hate them.
But there are particular types of buskers that deserve a kicking.
1. The Posh Buskers.
Usually found on the main townS shopping street. They usually consist 0f 3 or 4 stuck up teens with sheet music on a stand playing Vivaldi's Four Seasons or other such classical music that has reached the mainstream .(usually through adds ). These perma-tanned musical snobs think they are bringing culture to the common shopper, but really they are just looking for some money that Daddy does not know about, so they can buy some cheap coke for their Saturday night suburban club hell. You know the type of place I mean, a club where the DJ talks and they are always called something psuado glam Sparkle or Crystal.
If you have sheet music and are playing an expensive stringed instrument, you are a not a busker you are a pox.
2. Busker bands with a drummer (and amps or backing tracks)
If you are in a busker band with a drummer you deserve to be kicked to death by school children wearing Irish dancing shoes on a cold rainy Monday morning.
You've all been there, your walking up the street either talking to your mate or mumbling down your mobile phone to your girlfriend about dinner, when for about a hundred yards all you can hear is a incessant snare symbol noise coupled with, a loud out of time bass drum. You cannot think you cannot speak until you are out of the noise pollution zone.
If are in a band with a drummer get a God Dam gig! Its not that hard, really, all you do is contact your nearest club night or venue, then pick a date, pay a security deposit and ring all your mates. IT IS THAT EASY!
I do not wanna hear your crappy band murder "kids" by MGMT 15 times a day.
3. Any busker who has Cd's to sell.
This one ranks up there with the "homeless guy begging with the amusing sign".If you are begging on the street with and your sign is amusing you have not been homeless long or hard enough to deserve any money. Print a sign saying " need cash am desperate" then we might take your plea seriously.
Likewise if you are a busker and you have enough disposable income to print Cd's, you should not be begging through your music on my streets. Seriously you can only get Cd's printed in hundreds of units and if you have that much money to waste you do not need to be polluting my ears when I am innocently out shopping. You have enough money to entertain yourself now be gone.
5 .Peruvian flute bands.
Nuff said.
6. Any busker with a dog.
A look at the Lil doggy ain't he loverly, all tied up lying on the cold hard concrete, beside the twat without a note in his head.
Do not try and work on our sympathies Mr. Busker by exploiting your dog, lots of people have pets but we don't use them to gain cash. Actually if you can find a way to exploit my Goldfish for cash I would love to know, really I would.
7. Any type of street performer.
Yeah I'm talking to you Mr. Moving statue, Mr. Look at me I can juggle everything except a job and a girlfriend. Those smug self satisfied fools who think they have a gift to share with the world.Really they should be out hunting for a life/girlfriend or at home weeping into their pillow wondering why they wasted your life.
All buskers should really give up the pretence and sit there quietly in their dirtiest clothes with a hand written sign and beg.
Or alternatively go get a gig and give the conventional band/singer/circus thing a go. That way we can decide to ignore up until you appear on the front page of the tabloids or when you go on reality TV, because you are clearly that attention starved.
You are no better than the git who plays his favourite chart song through his mobile phone on the bus.
NOW THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING !!!
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